February is typically the month of the most rain and least sunshine in Northern California...a general challenge for those with Seasonal Affective Disorder. In 2000, however, we had a spell of 30 straight days where it rained everyday (somewhere within the 24 hours of each day, anyway), and was dark and overcast for an entire month. This hit me particularly hard...especially since I hadn't discovered the efficacy of light therapy nor re-evaluation counseling yet. (Now, before getting out of bed, I read for a half hour each morning using the goLITE P2 that I got on sale at Costco online...gets me reading more, and has amazing effects on my mood, motivation and energy levels, especially in the winter. Re-evaluation Counseling and Vipassana Meditation have also been key, extremely empowering and liberating components for me...both of which are pretty much free and available almost anywhere in the world.) As with all storms and weather patterns, internal and external, my dark time in Feb of 2000 was temporary. I survived and am fine. What also survived, is a tidbit of how that time felt for me, which I share here for anyone who might wonder what it feels like to be so deeply depressed that ending your life seems like the only way out....
I hurt...inside
Like Satan in a winter storm
Cursing the day I was born
Some karmic debt I can't repay
Or maybe...
I'm just "bad"
Wrong of essence
Immune to all blessing
What's the lesson?
How do I need to change?
Is there something to rearrange
To make all the pieces fit right
In my tortured soul tonight?
Mostly, I can feel nothing
No desire nor even pain
I don't care
About eating
I don't care about anyone or anything
Least of all the absent son
Yes, I hate myself, I'm the one
To blame
For this world and life
That's crumbling down
Maybe sunshine
Will someday melt this world of
ice
And pierce this cold block of gloom
But right now
I honestly can't see
Anything to live for
And I can make them all hate me,
too
To force them away
To deepen the abyss
With solitude
Punishing myself more and more
So I can lie here and rot alone
Ignoring the ringing phone
Until no one calls
Anymore....