An Accidental Man

I was taught from much too young
To never give myself away
Yes I was taught for every secret
There's a price you have to pay

An accident of gender
An accident of birth
That holds me to this point of view
This time and place on earth
This time and place on earth

You ask me how I'm feeling
Well I only wish you knew
How hard it is for me to share
Share those kinds of things with you

It's not that I don't love you
It's just I can't connect
'Cause I was taught from much too young
To shine and not reflect

I'm an accidental man

You ask me if I'm happy
I only wish I knew
'Cause happiness is not something
That I ever learned to do

It's not that I'm complaining
It's all the same to me
If everything that happens, happens
Accidentally

I'm an accidental man

I was taught for every secret
There's a price you have to pay
I was taught from much too young
To never give myself away

I was born to worthy causes
I was born to take the reins
I was taught from much too young
To never give myself away

An accident of gender
An accident of birth
That holds me to this point of view
This time and place on earth
This time and place on earth

So try to understand if
I don't say all I can
A stranger to myself I am
A stranger to myself I am
A stranger to myself I am

I'm an accidental man
(I was taught from much too young)

I'm an accidental man
(To never give myself away)

I'm an accident
(You ask me how I'm feeling)

An accidental man
(I only wish I knew...)

~ from the CD This Strange Engine by Marillion ~

Click Here to Listen to the song, An Accidental Man

 The words above describe a situation that is all too common with most men -- in this and the British society, anyway [Marillion is a British rock band].  It's much different, for example, in Spain and some indigenous cultures I've visited.  It's not that most men here "want" to remain at the superficial level.  But, often, when we look down into ourselves, we honestly don't feel anything at all anymore...or, at most, a "numbness"...it's like there's just an empty void inside...or some of us might feel "something," but have no clear idea what it is we're sensing...nor do we typically posess the language to articulate anything we do feel...and most of us don't know why, nor what to do about this...nor why it's so difficult for us to have male friendships or any closeness whatsoever with other men.   So, we tend to unconsciously accept our current society's label for us: "inadequate/broken"...and go on silently feeling badly about ourselves for our ostensible "male emotional inadequacy"...even as we often watch our most cherished relationships whither because of this.

To compound matters, most men were repeatedly shamed, ridiculed, and even physically abused or punished throughout their lives, starting at a very early age, for showing any level of feeling or emotional vulnerability.  After you hit a dog enough times, it will instinctively flinch and run away whenever someone gets too close or even raises a hand.  It's similar with our society's men and their feelings.  Almost all men in this society have been (often severely) negatively conditioned away from feeling anything.  So, when a man does try to look down inside himself, and starts to appraoch the door to his emotional body, what he might find is an intense resistance that causes him to turn away before ever opening the door.

(This resistance is usually a semi-conscious defense mechanism protecting the man from a deep well of fear, pain, shame, humiliation, etc...ie, painful memories from hurtful things that happened to him when he was younger and did feel fully and expressed what he was feeling openly...even if he doesn't consciously remember being teased/shamed/humiliated, hit/hurt, manipulated, put down/laughed at, or the like.  This is one way that "men's oppression" fragments and "steals men from themselves":  Unable to connect with our own feelings anymore -- the deepest, core parts of our true selves -- we truly are "strangers to ourselves" as the song says.  What's more, how can we know why we're here or what we truly desire at a soul-level, when we're strangers to ourselves?  Men may seem to know what they "want"...a full-bodied beer, this kind of woman/sex, such and such material possessions/toys, status, power, etc...and most of our lives are driven by these things most of the time.  But, how many men are truly fulfilled by these things?  What a man "desires," Robert Bly teaches, is not usually something he's going to get.  Instead, his "desire" is a sort of longing of the soul, a calling that is worthy of dedicating his life to...such as "to be as good a writer as Shakespeare", or, as Rumi desired, "to have God as a lover."  Perhaps if men were connected more deeply with themselves and what they truly desired at a soul level, their lives wouldn't be spent so much in the compulsive pursuit of the smaller things they've been taught that they want on a material level....  What kind of world would that be....?)

  If today's man were able to open the door to his emotional body fully, he would likely discover that he carries an immense amount of grief around this.  This can be quite overwhelming, especially if approached in isolation, without adequate tools and support.

As any woman knows, having and coping with emotions and feelings is not easy.  Being unable to even connect with oneself (or others) at a meaningful depth of human feeling, however, is a Hell like no other: one which no person would ever ask for, nor willfully accept.  Unfortunately, it happens to boys at a time when they're generally powerless to do anything about it.  Although today's man is an innocent victim of this societal oppression, it's also each man's responsibility to clean this up within himself--simply because he's the only one who can.

Men can and do recover from emotional numbness and disconnection with themselves.  But, it takes conscious effort and perseverance.  This type of men's work usually progresses slowly (chronologically-speaking).  For me, it took a few years, and the process continues to deepen.  The set of tools that I found most helpful (and that most accelerated the process), I found in various men's groups and Re-evaluation Counseling.  I've found the the most useful attitude is not one of blame (towards those who "hurt me" in these ways), but of mourning.  Bly says, "Grief is the doorway to male feeling."

One of my spiritual teachers teaches that no human can be in their heart (ie, connected to their feelings) AND willfully hurt any other being at the same time.  So, perhaps one of the reasons for this societal oppression of men is because the powers that be need to keep men separated from their feelings...to ensure that those same men remain capable of going off to war to kill other men, to ensure that the older men in the first group can continue making high-level corporate and political decisions that result in the destruction of millions of innocent beings and the environment upon which they depend, etc...in order to keep the current power structure intact.   I believe that empowering men to heal and regain full connection with their heart and feelings is not only a path to peace on Earth, but also to saving our Mother Earth Herself!

If creating world peace and saving the environment/planet is something you'd like to see come to pass in your lifetime, you can help by being an ally to men on this journey by not further judging, criticizing, blaming, ridiculing or shaming men for this particular way that they've been hurt (against their wills at a time when they were powerless todo anything about it)...even in jokes/situation-comedies/commercials/etc.  Instead, please do your best to hold all men as "completely good"...and with the heartfelt compassion that comes from truly understanding the situation I'm describing here...while also remaining confident in us that we can and will recover from the effects of this oppression on our own male timetable (not surprisingly, the emotional timetable for men currently moves much more slowly than it does for women)...and in our own, male way.  (Men need to figure this out for themselves: with the support of, but outside the direction of, and perhaps even outside the presence of, women.  Similar to the way that the women's liberation movement needs to happen outside the direction of men, but with their support.)

Perhaps the best thing you can do for any particular man is to believe in him unwaveringly -- especially when he struggles with something -- while always, always, always holding him as bigger (more magnificient) than he holds himself.  (Over time, your regarding him in the highest possible light, and expressing those things that you genuinely appreciate about him openly and frequently, will do wonders to unravel the societal conditioning he's been swimming in his entire life [ie, the millions of messages he's received that tell him he's "inadequate", "broken", "bad", "an asshole/jerk/pig", etc].  By holding him as larger than he holds himself, believing in him unwaveringly, and reminding him repeatedly of what's wonderful about him, you will help him evolve ever further toward his unlimited potential and magnificence...for the benefit of all the inhabitants of this planet.)
ADthankyouVANCE!