Winter letter to a friend (upon return from 10 days in silence)
Hi again,
I know how many exciting things you've had going on and how busy you've been...and I'm excited and happy for you...and just want you to enjoy and relish in all of it...you so deserve it, and I so want that for you. For that reason, tho, I hesitate at revealing this to you, since it requires me to fully trust that you will neither ignore/be too busy for it, nor experience it negatively (as a drain or worry, for example). So, I'm going to trust in your caring and sensitivity...both for me and for yourself....
I've had a bit of a rough re-entry from my meditation retreat...coming back to the "real world" after 12 days in a peaceful/beautiful place with huge, ancient redwoods and a river down below...10 of those days in complete silence...has been a bit unsettling and overwhelming: Expanded consciousness and depth of feeling doesn't necessarily make life easier...especially if your ability to process all the new information (and deeper emotions) in your awareness hasn't yet caught up(!) It feels so different from the last time I did this same retreat, and returned in an incredibly balanced and blissful state, which lasted for months afterwards.
I'm slowly realizing that my retreat kicked off a growth period for me. Remember the story I told you about the shaman I visited in Ecuador and the caged bird his grandfather gave him to teach how to fly? How the bird didn't want to leave the cage and, when he forced it out, it flew smack into a tree, and then took months of returning back to the cage before it could finally learn to embrace its freedom and navigate with grace the entirely new, infinitely expanded universe in which it suddenly found itself....
Well, today, I'm that bird...and I find myself suddenly pushed out of the cage of my previous...something...and thrust me out into a new, larger space where, of course, I was always meant to exist (and fly). I sense and trust that this metamorphosis is leading someplace good, and higher.
Still, at the moment, I feel lost in this new world that looks the same, yet is somehow different (and I don't even completely know just how, which is part of what makes it scary for me :). It's like, as the bird, I knew who I was and what I was and what I was capable of in the cage. And, I did it all well, with unquestioned confidence and even pride and self esteem.
But, now I don't seem to know who I am, how it is I'm supposed to be and do this new flying thing, nor exactly how I'm supposed to navigate all this new, expansive space I've been given....
Today, I sat down and tried to think of what I liked about myself. I could only come up with a few things, none of which really "felt real or true"...just sort of flat, empty words...like I was trying to convince someone of something, yet neither of us, try as we both might, were able to find any real substance behind my arguments.
So, it feels overwhelming and scary to me. That's not a problem, of course...just feelings. I am fine, really. I do miss my smile and radiance, tho, and wonder where they've eloped to...and if they're enjoying their honeymoon wherever they are....
Meanwhile, my inner critic gremlin is convinced that I must have done something wrong somewhere along the line(*) "to mess up that state of bliss" I had going before...and that these challenging feelings are somehow my deserved punishment. This is not a problem, either, just something that's part of this experience. And, again, not to worry, I am and will be fine.
(*) - Tho, try as I might, it seems a losing proposition to try to figure out just what...those efforts rarely uplift me.
What I could use now, tho, is to stretch myself to reach out to others from this space, in a manner that is mature, responsible and considerate. To make a thoughtful request to those who know me well...to assist me in remembering who I am, what's good about me, and to also helping me figure out (remember?) who I'm trying to become.
It's like I'm sailing along, enjoying some pretty powerful wind buffeting the sails, and I can't seem to find where I put the rudder (It was just here, dammit! ;-)...so, the boat seems out of control, direction and destination unstable and unknown.
I still don't feel like I'm managing to describe with much accuracy, just what I'm trying to...and the picture is still hazy for me, slowing emerging into some vague focus.... (_Trying_ to describe it is helping me gain clarity, however, and that's a good thing. It's the gift I'm receiving from you in this moment even though you're not here (or are you?), by providing me this space to write into. Gracias.)
Have you ever walked into the woods at night in the darkness, without a flashlight...and felt scared because you couldn't make out what was around you, didn't know what that strange sound is or even how close, etc? Well, I feel a bit like that, sort of...like I'm not sure just what's happening to me...and being "unable to see/know" what's going on is like being "in a new environment the dark." (**) So, it's difficult to even describe what's going on for me, just what these growing pains are asking of me...let alone know what I truly need or just how to invite those who care about me to support me, should they be available and so desire....
(**) - Does the caterpillar ever go, "Just what the fuck is happening to me?!?" on it's way to butterfly? Is it ever terrified?? Or, does it somehow live in a state of faith, trust, and acceptance (with some reassuring sense of "knowing" as its companion)...even while this bizarre cacoon thing spins around it...inhibiting all escape...as it helplessly watches its entire previous world slip away into darkness...with the mysterious, unknown, unstoppable future appoaching...?
Yet, as a life coach, my chosen path is to model with my life...and if what I want for my clients is to be able to reach out to those close to them and ask for support when they most need it, even when they're not even sure just what they need...then I need to be, no kidding, living in full integrity there, stretching outside my own comfort zone, walking my talk. Otherwise, I have no place of integrity from with to coach, and clients know and respond to that intuitively.
Coach or no, principles only mean something if one holds to them when it's inconvenient...and, at the end of the day, if we really want to be honest with ourselves, isn't that the true mirror of one's character...? It's like on one hand we have the ideals we say we hold as sacred, those we expect to see displayed in others, by our leaders, by our society...and, on the other hand, we have these feelings, which weigh nothing, have no substance whatsoever, just an, "Ooh, I don't want to feel THAT!" inside (while we're usually not even aware just what the "THAT" is we're trying to avoid!)...and, in the middle, we stand...giving birth to "who I truly am" with a choice: Honor my values and feel something I don't want to...or abandon them and "safeguard myself" from my feelings.
I'm clear of one thing, at least: I'm definitely not looking for someone to "cheer me up" or "make the bad feelings go away." I just want to be able to be true to myself in this space, and to be able to connect authentically to others from this space, without it freaking them out. So, "feeling better" is not really the goal here, but a consequence that comes from not turning away from (not abandoning) the parts of myself that are experiencing these challenging feelings as I hold true to my principles.
Maybe, I'm just passing through one of those phases where I need someone to "sing my song to me": http://www.awakenthemagic.com/inspire/yoursong.html
I guess if I were to really stretch, I'd love for someone to take a peek at my wishlist website and maybe offer to help me with something on it (http://www.awakenthemagic.com/rich/wishlist/). Ahh! Why does it seem so scary to ask for that?!?
Or, maybe it is that I see who I could be but I'm scared that I might fail, or not be able to support myself if I followed my authentic path. I know I don't want to live from fear, nor "go backwards" to that reality/belief system of "I have to _work_ (do whatever it takes, even if I don't want to/don't like it/it's unhealthy for me/I don't believe in it/it's not my calling/etc.) to make enough money to live on." I know I want to create/attract a reality in which, "My life is a magical journey of aligning with my higher self and purpose, which speaks to me through my joy and excitement...all my needs effortlessly getting taken care of as I flow downstream, harmoniously aligned with whatever divine intelligence is orchestrating the symphony of all that is, of which I am an integral part."
I don't say this lightly, but I've been thinking about it and I really think I'd rather die than live in that former, fear-based reality (been there, done that)--especially since I think death is going to be the best experience of my life...ascending to a incomprehensibly expanded dimension of peace, magic, awareness, abundance and love. Yet, slogging through the fear as I try to turn my life over to this higher, divine intelligence, to trust and have faith, feel like more than I can handle sometimes....
Or, maybe the key is that some of the "gateways to Heaven" can't be entered alone, and you have to ask/allow someone else to help you...however that might feel. It's like our friend David Arkenstone says, "If you run from yourself, you will only lose." And, you KNOW this, maaaan!! Yet, still, you shriek back from your divine choice: Pass through this awesome Heavenly gateway and feel something scary and challenging, and fly as you were born to fly, as every bird, even the caged one, was born to fly.... Or, not. And the higher voice says, "Live your dream, instead of just dreaming about being alive. Every man dies, but not every man lives. Get busy living, or get busy dying." To which, the best non-fear-based reply, you can muster from your being today is, "I am ready. Teach me how...gently, please!"
Love,
Me
----
Thought for Today: There are times in your life, you must face a choice. You will find what you need, listen to the voice. In the dark, you can run, from the shadows of the night. In the end, you will find you, were standing in the light. ~ David Arkenstone
I know how many exciting things you've had going on and how busy you've been...and I'm excited and happy for you...and just want you to enjoy and relish in all of it...you so deserve it, and I so want that for you. For that reason, tho, I hesitate at revealing this to you, since it requires me to fully trust that you will neither ignore/be too busy for it, nor experience it negatively (as a drain or worry, for example). So, I'm going to trust in your caring and sensitivity...both for me and for yourself....
I've had a bit of a rough re-entry from my meditation retreat...coming back to the "real world" after 12 days in a peaceful/beautiful place with huge, ancient redwoods and a river down below...10 of those days in complete silence...has been a bit unsettling and overwhelming: Expanded consciousness and depth of feeling doesn't necessarily make life easier...especially if your ability to process all the new information (and deeper emotions) in your awareness hasn't yet caught up(!) It feels so different from the last time I did this same retreat, and returned in an incredibly balanced and blissful state, which lasted for months afterwards.
I'm slowly realizing that my retreat kicked off a growth period for me. Remember the story I told you about the shaman I visited in Ecuador and the caged bird his grandfather gave him to teach how to fly? How the bird didn't want to leave the cage and, when he forced it out, it flew smack into a tree, and then took months of returning back to the cage before it could finally learn to embrace its freedom and navigate with grace the entirely new, infinitely expanded universe in which it suddenly found itself....
Well, today, I'm that bird...and I find myself suddenly pushed out of the cage of my previous...something...and thrust me out into a new, larger space where, of course, I was always meant to exist (and fly). I sense and trust that this metamorphosis is leading someplace good, and higher.
Still, at the moment, I feel lost in this new world that looks the same, yet is somehow different (and I don't even completely know just how, which is part of what makes it scary for me :). It's like, as the bird, I knew who I was and what I was and what I was capable of in the cage. And, I did it all well, with unquestioned confidence and even pride and self esteem.
But, now I don't seem to know who I am, how it is I'm supposed to be and do this new flying thing, nor exactly how I'm supposed to navigate all this new, expansive space I've been given....
Today, I sat down and tried to think of what I liked about myself. I could only come up with a few things, none of which really "felt real or true"...just sort of flat, empty words...like I was trying to convince someone of something, yet neither of us, try as we both might, were able to find any real substance behind my arguments.
So, it feels overwhelming and scary to me. That's not a problem, of course...just feelings. I am fine, really. I do miss my smile and radiance, tho, and wonder where they've eloped to...and if they're enjoying their honeymoon wherever they are....
Meanwhile, my inner critic gremlin is convinced that I must have done something wrong somewhere along the line(*) "to mess up that state of bliss" I had going before...and that these challenging feelings are somehow my deserved punishment. This is not a problem, either, just something that's part of this experience. And, again, not to worry, I am and will be fine.
(*) - Tho, try as I might, it seems a losing proposition to try to figure out just what...those efforts rarely uplift me.
What I could use now, tho, is to stretch myself to reach out to others from this space, in a manner that is mature, responsible and considerate. To make a thoughtful request to those who know me well...to assist me in remembering who I am, what's good about me, and to also helping me figure out (remember?) who I'm trying to become.
It's like I'm sailing along, enjoying some pretty powerful wind buffeting the sails, and I can't seem to find where I put the rudder (It was just here, dammit! ;-)...so, the boat seems out of control, direction and destination unstable and unknown.
I still don't feel like I'm managing to describe with much accuracy, just what I'm trying to...and the picture is still hazy for me, slowing emerging into some vague focus.... (_Trying_ to describe it is helping me gain clarity, however, and that's a good thing. It's the gift I'm receiving from you in this moment even though you're not here (or are you?), by providing me this space to write into. Gracias.)
Have you ever walked into the woods at night in the darkness, without a flashlight...and felt scared because you couldn't make out what was around you, didn't know what that strange sound is or even how close, etc? Well, I feel a bit like that, sort of...like I'm not sure just what's happening to me...and being "unable to see/know" what's going on is like being "in a new environment the dark." (**) So, it's difficult to even describe what's going on for me, just what these growing pains are asking of me...let alone know what I truly need or just how to invite those who care about me to support me, should they be available and so desire....
(**) - Does the caterpillar ever go, "Just what the fuck is happening to me?!?" on it's way to butterfly? Is it ever terrified?? Or, does it somehow live in a state of faith, trust, and acceptance (with some reassuring sense of "knowing" as its companion)...even while this bizarre cacoon thing spins around it...inhibiting all escape...as it helplessly watches its entire previous world slip away into darkness...with the mysterious, unknown, unstoppable future appoaching...?
Yet, as a life coach, my chosen path is to model with my life...and if what I want for my clients is to be able to reach out to those close to them and ask for support when they most need it, even when they're not even sure just what they need...then I need to be, no kidding, living in full integrity there, stretching outside my own comfort zone, walking my talk. Otherwise, I have no place of integrity from with to coach, and clients know and respond to that intuitively.
Coach or no, principles only mean something if one holds to them when it's inconvenient...and, at the end of the day, if we really want to be honest with ourselves, isn't that the true mirror of one's character...? It's like on one hand we have the ideals we say we hold as sacred, those we expect to see displayed in others, by our leaders, by our society...and, on the other hand, we have these feelings, which weigh nothing, have no substance whatsoever, just an, "Ooh, I don't want to feel THAT!" inside (while we're usually not even aware just what the "THAT" is we're trying to avoid!)...and, in the middle, we stand...giving birth to "who I truly am" with a choice: Honor my values and feel something I don't want to...or abandon them and "safeguard myself" from my feelings.
I'm clear of one thing, at least: I'm definitely not looking for someone to "cheer me up" or "make the bad feelings go away." I just want to be able to be true to myself in this space, and to be able to connect authentically to others from this space, without it freaking them out. So, "feeling better" is not really the goal here, but a consequence that comes from not turning away from (not abandoning) the parts of myself that are experiencing these challenging feelings as I hold true to my principles.
Maybe, I'm just passing through one of those phases where I need someone to "sing my song to me": http://www.awakenthemagic.com/inspire/yoursong.html
I guess if I were to really stretch, I'd love for someone to take a peek at my wishlist website and maybe offer to help me with something on it (http://www.awakenthemagic.com/rich/wishlist/). Ahh! Why does it seem so scary to ask for that?!?
Or, maybe it is that I see who I could be but I'm scared that I might fail, or not be able to support myself if I followed my authentic path. I know I don't want to live from fear, nor "go backwards" to that reality/belief system of "I have to _work_ (do whatever it takes, even if I don't want to/don't like it/it's unhealthy for me/I don't believe in it/it's not my calling/etc.) to make enough money to live on." I know I want to create/attract a reality in which, "My life is a magical journey of aligning with my higher self and purpose, which speaks to me through my joy and excitement...all my needs effortlessly getting taken care of as I flow downstream, harmoniously aligned with whatever divine intelligence is orchestrating the symphony of all that is, of which I am an integral part."
I don't say this lightly, but I've been thinking about it and I really think I'd rather die than live in that former, fear-based reality (been there, done that)--especially since I think death is going to be the best experience of my life...ascending to a incomprehensibly expanded dimension of peace, magic, awareness, abundance and love. Yet, slogging through the fear as I try to turn my life over to this higher, divine intelligence, to trust and have faith, feel like more than I can handle sometimes....
Or, maybe the key is that some of the "gateways to Heaven" can't be entered alone, and you have to ask/allow someone else to help you...however that might feel. It's like our friend David Arkenstone says, "If you run from yourself, you will only lose." And, you KNOW this, maaaan!! Yet, still, you shriek back from your divine choice: Pass through this awesome Heavenly gateway and feel something scary and challenging, and fly as you were born to fly, as every bird, even the caged one, was born to fly.... Or, not. And the higher voice says, "Live your dream, instead of just dreaming about being alive. Every man dies, but not every man lives. Get busy living, or get busy dying." To which, the best non-fear-based reply, you can muster from your being today is, "I am ready. Teach me how...gently, please!"
Love,
Me
----
Thought for Today: There are times in your life, you must face a choice. You will find what you need, listen to the voice. In the dark, you can run, from the shadows of the night. In the end, you will find you, were standing in the light. ~ David Arkenstone
posted by Rich at 11:49 PM
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